I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just invented taco cereal.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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