I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
