I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
