think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
time to smoke my breakfast
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
