if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Randomize
