We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
