Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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