Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
