I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
