dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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