I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
