I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
