May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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