I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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