What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
