It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
