saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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