I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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