oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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