last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
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How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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