I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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