Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
