Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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