WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
