Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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