I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
