new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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