Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
