Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
