I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
