Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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