my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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