Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
