I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i now understand why vodka
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
