Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
