My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
