It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
