Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
