Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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