oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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