Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
