dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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