i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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