sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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