Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Sext me about skeletons
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
