The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
