You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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