I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
