I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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