Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
