Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
