I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
