i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
