every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
