Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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