i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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