apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
too bad you live with your parents still
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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