Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
