well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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