now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
